We blue-violet girls floating above the earth
Goitered, bipolar, hysterical, vestibular
Torn open and sewn back together too tight
silent when we talk
divided against ourselves
Mud v/s light hidden under flowery print sheaths our mothers made us
Like Venus, we are morning star and evening star both.
Over the years we built dense structures of neurons
to protect our golden star-essence
which grew darkly resinous, then
spiky, defending against outside light
the applejack retreating farther, constricting into a dense point of light
For protection, we curve our bodies down and in.
Look up, my blue-violet sister!
Sirius leaves for her moontime
But rises with the sun in dog days,
She was a blazing blue star before she went white dwarf
Still she scintillates red white blue yellow.
Polaris, Stella del Mar, Yildiz, the leader star
By luck she is aligned with the earth’s north pole
Yet she too is inconstant
For a time, her brightness decreased and she sadly lagged
Yet now, like no other star we know, she waxes
continually increasing her gold-white light
Twice as bright
As when the Greeks observed her
Sirius and Polaris are not single stars, but star systems, multiplicitous.
Like you, my sister, they are made up of seen and unseen parts.
That black hole you feel is not you, sister.
That gaping wound of fear is the gulf between you and your unseen siamese twin
Separated too far from you, crying alone in the darkness
Look. You are the large one. Look at your blue little sister and hug her, don’t fear her
She is just a scared little girl, neglected and ravenous
There is no black hole
Blue stars burn the hottest
But white dwarf stars, conserving energy, burn slower and longer
Let’s help our blue sisters to burn slow and now
If we work together, our energy is greater than their mass.
We can shine clear and golden.
We are more beautiful than our carbon,
Even densely compressed diamonds
We are more.
We are star-energy .
We are golden oud.
BIBLIOGRAPHY for OUD AND STARS
1.The fragrance of Oud itself. Sniffing it I mean. https://www.facebook.com/AftelierPerfumes/?pnref=lhc
Thank you to Mandy Aftel for finding real oud and selling it in quantities small enough for me to afford!
If you didn’t read the post about Oud, here it is.
2. Iodine by Haven Kimmel. This novel is about a blue girl, a damaged dissociative girl learning to exist in the world. I have read this book dozens of times, and it is my favorite book on earth, which is really saying something, coming from a person who is unable to make decisions. I would like to thank Haven, who is in fact a dog-star, for my writing is greatly affected by hers. I had a writing workshop with her and the lovely Barry Yeoman, who taught me a decade’s worth about writing in a single week. I am so grateful for what they had to teach me.
3. The Stranger in the Mirror by Marlene Steinberg This book provides clear information about the widespread phenomenon of dissociation. She estimates that it affects up to 30 million people. We are looking at a widespread phenomenon. People seem to always be lying. They aren’t . You are getting a different view from a different alter at a different time. That’s why their lies seem so convincing; they believe the lies themselves. Like Trump believes his own lies.
4 Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy by Francine Shapiro
This is the only method that has been proven to help with PTSD. It trains you to reconnect your dots. I greatly admire Francine. Her ideas have been appropriated for moneymaking workshops, and she herself has been ostracized from this group, choosing instead to publish her own books so anyone can learn from her at low cost. Bravo Francine.
4. Polaris. The Finnish singer Chisu taught me about trusting my star. Listen here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6pm-dLctVE
5. Hans my Hedgehog, as interpreted by Jim Henson in The Storyteller. This story slays me with its beauty and healing.
6.The Story of your Life; Becoming the Author of Your Experience
Thank you Mandy Aftel, again, for writing this book. https://www.amazon.com/Story-Your-Life-Becoming-Experience/dp/0684826968/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
She taught me the following truth about narrative-building. Our lives are dots made up of events and emotions. We make a rational effort to connect them throughout our lives. She taught me that although it may be duplicitous, it is not LYING to remove the faulty connections you built, strip down to the dots, and rebuild a narrative of your liking. This is a humanities way to think of EMDR therapy.
7. Re-Visioning Psychology by James Hillman. This book taught me about the many ways that modern psychology poisons the wells it should be tapping.
8. Cuts you Up. This Peter Murphy song illustrates what it feels like to be running away from your own self. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrfFHzqGBZI