oud and stars


We blue-violet girls floating above the earth

Goitered, bipolar, hysterical, vestibular

Torn open and sewn back together too tight

silent when we talk

divided against ourselves

Mud v/s light hidden under flowery print sheaths our mothers made us

Like Venus, we are morning star and evening star both.

Over the years we built dense structures of neurons

to protect our golden star-essence

which grew darkly resinous, then

spiky, defending against outside light

the applejack retreating farther, constricting into a dense point of light

For protection, we curve our bodies down and in.

Look up, my blue-violet sister!

Sirius leaves for her moontime

But rises with the sun in dog days,

She was a blazing blue star before she went white dwarf

Still she scintillates red white blue yellow.

Polaris, Stella del Mar, Yildiz, the leader star

By luck she is aligned with the earth’s north pole

Yet she too is inconstant

For a time, her brightness decreased and she sadly lagged

Yet now, like no other star we know, she waxes

continually increasing her gold-white light

Twice as bright

As when the Greeks observed her

Sirius and Polaris are not single stars, but star systems, multiplicitous.

Like you, my sister, they are made up of seen and unseen parts.

That black hole you feel is not you, sister.

That gaping wound of fear is the gulf between you and your unseen siamese twin

Separated too far from you, crying alone in the darkness

Look. You are the large one. Look at your blue little sister and hug her, don’t fear her

She is just a scared little girl, neglected and ravenous

There is no black hole

only light.

Blue stars burn the hottest

But white dwarf stars, conserving energy, burn slower and longer

Let’s help our blue sisters to burn slow and now

If we work together, our energy is greater than their mass.

We can shine clear and golden.

We are more beautiful than our carbon,

Even densely compressed diamonds

We are more.

We are star-energy .

We are golden oud.



1.The fragrance of Oud itself. Sniffing it I mean. https://www.facebook.com/AftelierPerfumes/?pnref=lhc

Thank you to Mandy Aftel for finding real oud and selling it in quantities small enough for me to afford!

If you didn’t read the post about Oud, here it is.



2. Iodine by Haven Kimmel. This novel is about a blue girl, a damaged dissociative girl learning to exist in the world. I have read this book dozens of times, and it is my favorite book on earth, which is really saying something, coming from a person who is unable to make decisions. I would like to thank Haven, who is in fact a dog-star, for my writing is greatly affected by hers. I had a writing workshop with her and the lovely Barry Yeoman, who taught me a decade’s worth about writing in a single week. I am so grateful for what they had to teach me.

3. The Stranger in the Mirror by Marlene Steinberg This book provides clear information about the widespread phenomenon of dissociation. She estimates that it affects up to 30 million people. We are looking at a widespread phenomenon. People seem to always be lying. They aren’t . You are getting a different view from a different alter at a different time. That’s why their lies seem so convincing; they believe the lies themselves. Like Trump believes his own lies.

4 Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy by Francine Shapiro

This is the only method that has been proven to help with PTSD. It trains you to reconnect your dots. I greatly admire Francine. Her ideas have been appropriated for moneymaking workshops, and she herself has been ostracized from this group, choosing instead to publish her own books so anyone can learn from her at low cost. Bravo Francine.


4. Polaris. The Finnish singer Chisu taught me about trusting my star. Listen here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6pm-dLctVE

5. Hans my Hedgehog, as interpreted by Jim Henson in The Storyteller. This story slays me with its beauty and healing.

6.The Story of your Life; Becoming the Author of Your Experience

Thank you Mandy Aftel, again, for writing this book. https://www.amazon.com/Story-Your-Life-Becoming-Experience/dp/0684826968/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
She taught me the following truth about narrative-building. Our lives are dots made up of events and emotions. We make a rational effort to connect them throughout our lives. She taught me that although it may be duplicitous, it is not LYING to remove the faulty connections you built, strip down to the dots, and rebuild a narrative of your liking. This is a humanities way to think of EMDR therapy.

7. Re-Visioning Psychology by James Hillman. This book taught me about the many ways that modern psychology poisons the wells it should be tapping.

8. Cuts you Up. This Peter Murphy song illustrates what it feels like to be running away from your own self.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrfFHzqGBZI


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s