Please God don’t let it all be pointless
I want to understand as much as I can
beyond the vanishing point of despair.
Help me find some bridges
When I am out to sea, staring at the stars,
my boat drifting farther out.
Help me to participate in life
wrestling with my angel serotonin
Help my addled brain decide what matters
So I can act on it
Transform the idea that my mood is morality
That my flawed organization is sin.
Help me not be overcome by the din
of the hundreds in the cafeteria struggling to be heard
of the hundreds in the hall struggling to prove their worth
of dozens in my classroom struggling for attention
The noise of all those wills I am obligated to guide and manage and control
When all I want is to give all my attention to one beautiful soul at a time
And take them seriously and show them they matter
Instead of always employing the eyes in the back of my head
My attention splintered, my light scattered
Help me not feel heartbroken
When they don’t want to learn what I have to teach
Because they are caught in their Maslow’s needs
Transmute my triggers of being misunderstood and voiceless
Into love and light
Let me help the misunderstood and voiceless
Give me the art, the will, the joy, the call to action
To help them engage
with empathy and understanding
Some days I feel like a true leader of my classes;
they hear, they learn, they grow.
Other days, when my mood fails,
And all I want is to climb under the porch like a dying animal
so I can’t hurt anyone and they can’t hurt me.
Help me God to accept and manage my inconsistencies
Instead of pretending that I should be “100% on” all the time.
Help me to be a conduit for realness and joy and connection.
Let me use what I have learned about
The fragmented realities that are common trauma
Transmute my struggles
Into some sort of plenty for others
So that my petty fragile suffering just been more than just
A stupid waste.
Transmute my ick into fertile soil
So I can help others transmute theirs
Please God I pray
I want to give without getting depleted
Help me to be both strong and kind
Help me to face the bones of reality
Beyond the reflection of my own glass darkly
Help me see the truth
Communicate the truth
Make me a clear channel for your love.
Give me a strong backbone and a soft heart
To help them live into the unknown without fear.