Please God don’t let it all be pointless

I want to understand as much as I can

beyond the vanishing point of despair.

Help me find some bridges

When I am out to sea, staring at the stars,

my boat drifting farther out.

Help me to participate in life

wrestling with my angel serotonin

Help my addled brain decide what matters

So I can act on it

Transform the idea that my mood is morality

That my flawed organization is sin.

Help me not be overcome by the din

of the hundreds in the cafeteria struggling to be heard

of the  hundreds in the hall struggling to prove their worth

of dozens in my classroom struggling for attention

The noise of all those wills I am obligated to guide and manage and control

When all I want is to give all my attention to one beautiful soul at a time

And take them seriously and show them they matter

Instead of always employing the eyes in the back of my head

My attention splintered, my light scattered

Help me not feel heartbroken

When they don’t want to learn what I have to teach

Because they are caught in their Maslow’s needs

Transmute my triggers of being misunderstood and voiceless

Into  love and light

Let me help the misunderstood and voiceless

Give me the art, the  will, the joy, the call to action

To help them engage

with empathy and understanding

Some days I feel like a true leader of my classes;

they hear, they learn, they grow.

Other days, when my mood fails,

I fail,

And all I want is to climb under the porch like a dying animal

so I can’t hurt anyone and they can’t hurt me.

Help me God  to accept and manage my inconsistencies

Instead of pretending that I should be “100% on” all the time.

Help me to be a conduit for realness and  joy and connection.

Let me use what I have learned about

The fragmented realities that are common trauma

Transmute my struggles

Into some sort of plenty for others

So that my petty fragile suffering just been more than just

A stupid waste.

Transmute my ick into fertile soil

So I can help others transmute theirs

Please God I pray

I want to give without getting depleted

Help me to be both strong and kind

Help me to face the bones of reality

Beyond the reflection of my own glass darkly

Help me see the truth

Communicate the truth

I pray

Make me a clear channel for your love.

Give me a strong backbone and a soft heart

To help them live into the unknown without fear.

Amen.

Art By Howard Finster. Cover Art for Talking Heads album Little Creatures.